Culture Shock?

More like ‘Culture pick you up by your feet, swing you around by your ankles, bash you off a few things for good measure and let you land with an almighty bump’ (in a near derelict house in Calabar). It might sound a bit dramatic but that’s probably the best way I can sum up the feeling on arrival at my new ‘home’. The bubble definitely burst.

I’m not really sure where to begin or how to best sum up the last few days without this sounding like sort of desperate plea for help/an air lift out of here, but trust me when I say things are looking better now. The first few days here in Calabar were incredibly tough, picture much sobbing, pining for home and general patheticness. The patheticness was so special that when I saw David Cameron, who is not one of my favourite people on the local news on the office telly on Tuesday because he was in Nigeria, I actually thought “maybe he can take me home with him?”. I can laugh about it now but I was close to tears at the time planning my quickest exit from the country!

Let’s go back though, to the journey from Abuja to Calabar. To be honest I’ve tried to erase this from my memory but fear it will cause nightmares for years to come. For a claustrophobe such as me the thought of spending even 10 minutes crammed into the bus that was to be our steed to Calabar was a troublesome proposition. I knew I had at least 8-9 hours but more likely 10+ hours to endure. I was lucky in that I had leg room as there was no seat in front of me but the bus is of a type that you cannot even stand up in it and you are almost on top of the person next to you. Turns out our journey was 12.5 hours, this was accompanied by a soundtrack of Nigerian music (enjoyable), Eminem (also enjoyable) and Celine Dion (totally not acceptable under any circumstances).

Other things to note along the way, I received what I think was my first marriage proposal (VSO and VSO Nigeria warned us about this as we are seen as a good prize/visa). This proposal however, did not come how every girl dreams it might do, as this was from an armed police officer who had stopped the bus, spotted the Oyibo (white person) and said rather menacingly through the window, “You! My Wife!” I wasn’t sure I was in a position to refuse given his gun but thankfully the driver chose to move on as another officer waved us through.  We were also subjected to a search at a military checkpoint and of course they wanted to know what was in Oyibo’s bags. Bizarrely they opened with “You are welcome.” This is a standard greeting here but nothing of what followed made me feel welcome. They demanded I opened my bags which had been unpacked from the bus along with everyone else’s but they were only interested in mine and of course so were the rest of the passengers on the bus,

“What’s this?!”
“A laptop cable”

“Where’s the laptop?”
“In my hand luggage.”
“I want to see it.”

So I duly show him my laptop and he then goes back to my rucksack and spots my surge protector,

“What’s this?!”
“A surge protector, to protect my laptop.”

He considers this for a few seconds, decides I’m not lying and then demands I open my other bag, so I unzip it and he looks at the contents and points to the bottom of the bag.

“What’s in there?”
 “Shoes.”
“Hmmmm. Let me see.”

At this point I’m rapidly losing patience but realise it’s best not to argue, so I show him and the entire bus who have gathered right around my carefully packed birkenstocks and activity/Jesus sandals that are at the bottom of the bag and we all await his verdict.

“OK. You can go.”

No weapons of mass destruction, we’re good to go just the small matter of repacking the bus first. Finally on arrival in Calabar, with the best part of the last 5 hours on non roads  (our potholes haven’t got anything on these bad boys!) I got to meet my new boss. She and her husband seemed lovely which was of course a huge relief and they took Mandela who had accompanied me and I back their house for a meal of catfish and rice in a sauce that thankfully wasn’t too spicy. I gulped down water, having been too frightened to drink properly on the journey for fear of nature calling and knowing we only stopped once, whilst Pastor Vickie (the boss) told me all about how the house wasn’t really ready yet, but they hoped I would be comfortable there. I tried to listen but it was such a lot to take in and I was really only thinking about bed at this point. I should’ve listened.

The house itself is very safe in a big compound with one other, high walls, barbed wire big gates etc. But my house was more of an empty shell and the very first thing I saw on entering what they had determined to be my room by torchlight (no power at this point) was a HUGE spider. For anyone who knows me well you will know that I have a rather large fear the 8 legged beasts. I must have yelped because Vickie laughed and then promptly killed it for me. She also showed me my ‘en suite’, now don’t go getting any grand ideas, and there was another HUGE spider, also promptly killed for me. At this point whilst looking around by torchlight at the concrete floor and empty shell of a room with only a bed in it and a ‘table’ (few planks of wood nailed together) I was desperately trying not to cry. They showed me the rest of the house which didn’t get any better but assured me that lots of work was yet to be carried out. I kept telling myself to be grateful based on the living standards of the people we had seen along the roadside this was a palace, however when you have lived in a developed country and never experienced anything like this, no matter how much you try and prepare yourself there’s nothing like reality to give you a good slap around the face. I then had to lock myself into the compound and into the house all by torchlight and go back to the spider infested room. Joy.

My first night was spent with me wrapped up under my mosquito net (note to others it’s not really supposed to come into close contact with your skin, especially your face). I literally tucked it under the mattress and then instead of sleeping all night wept, sweated, probably rocked a bit and jumped at the slightest sound because I had no idea if it was in my compound/house or not.

On the upside I made it through the night, furniture arrived on the Monday so now in the lounge it actually looks vaguely like a lounge. I have a plastic patio type table in my room and randomly a fridge because there’s already one in the kitchen, this is now full of water and products. I have since been taken to the market and bought some plastic storage draws which are clearly meant for kids as they have mickey mouse on them, but they make me smile (important) and also think of my niece as she loves Mickey Mouse Club House. A stove top and gas canister arrived at some point so I can now cook, although I haven’t yet. Most importantly on the Sunday night the electricity was connected. Now power here is not constant, but knowing that I couldn’t have it at all was a problem so getting it sorted on the Sunday was a joy. This actually happened when Sam who is another volunteer was leaving having looked after me by taking to the market to get some essentials like water to drink and buckets so I can wash, along with another VSO here Jenny. Just as Sam was going and I was getting ready to lock the gates Vickie and her husband were spotted driving along the dirt track that leads to my house. They had come to check on me, Vickie asked if I was ok and I started crying. You’re always ok until someone asks. Anyway she called the landlord, who called an electrician, who arrived within about 10 minutes and 10 minutes later I was connected, even better there was power so the ceiling fan in my room was working!

I’ve learnt very quickly to make sure I have a torch handy in case the power goes off and to quickly plug everything in to charge it up when the power comes back on. Twice already my phone has come close to no battery and it’s funny just how panicky that makes you here. The water isn’t constant either and on day two my neighbour Patrick thankfully went to fill up some buckets for me so I could at least have a bucket shower and be able to flush the loo! I can just tell you are all so jealous of me!

I think I’ve probably rambled enough for now, I will just finally say that I feel a bit daft at how happy I was to get my modem sorted out, I actually cried although this time with happiness because I could reconnect with everyone. I wonder If could have done VSO even a few years ago pre this technology?

One final comment, I have used my swiss army knife LOADS today, cutting the plastic off my new mattress (thank god the other smelt like I’m not sure what), screwing parts of my water filter together, and scooping melted ‘solid’ shampoo out of its container!